Unimaginable
by kelstiel
Summary: Non-supernatural things AU. Castiel and Dean are married, raising their daughter Claire. When the unthinkable happens, they must learn to live with it. Inspired by "It's Quiet Uptown" from Hamilton: An American Musical.


Claire Novak was just nine weeks old when her mother tried to kill her. Castiel, her father, counted himself lucky when he came home early from work and had just enough time to free his daughter from the tight grasp of his wife holding her under the bath water. Amelia Novak's wrists were bleeding, it was too late to save her.

Castiel had prayed hard that night, thanking whatever guardian angel had saved Claire. Thanking his boss for sending him home early. Thanking whatever had caused the headache that made him request to leave early in the first place. He kept Claire close to him every moment of every day from then on. He was reluctant to trust anyone with her. How could he when the child's own mother couldn't have been trusted to keep her safe?

The doctors had said it was likely Amelia was suffering from severe post partum depression, but Castiel didn't know what to believe. He and Amelia had had a fight before he left for work, and he couldn't help but wonder if that had contributed to it.

He had thought at the time that this was the most pain he could ever imagine being in. Anything worse would be unimaginable. He struggled for months to balance his job with suddenly being a single father. He had been given a few weeks of paid parental leave, but eventually he had to return to work. Most days he brought her with him to the office, and no one dared to tell him not to. As long as he got his numbers entered by the end of each work day, no one said anything.

But then he met Dean. His car had broken down on the way to work one morning and Winchester & Sons was the highest rated mechanic shop in all of Lawrence. Still not able to trust a babysitter, Castiel had taken Claire with him to the garage.

Dean Winchester was more than just a mechanic, it turned out. He was attractive and charming, sure, but he was also very intelligent. He fixed Castiel's car while carrying on a conversation about Latin with a man that Castiel learned to be Sam Winchester, the little brother. Sam, as it turned out, was studying to take the entrance exam to Stanford. He wanted to be a lawyer. Dean was helping him study.

Claire was having one of her fussy days, she was colicky and miserable and Castiel was having a hard time keeping her calm. Dean surprised him once again by asking to hold her, and in a matter of moments Claire had settled down. A few minutes after that she was fast asleep. Castiel couldn't help but stare, his mouth agape.

"How...?"

"Oh this is nothing, he used to be worse." He jabbed his thumb at Sam. "After a while, I learned a few tricks."

Castiel tilted his head, "But you're not that much older than him…"

Dean nodded, "Its complicated. Our mom died when I was 4, he was six months old. Dad worked a lot... I had to step up."

Castiel pursed his lips. "Claire's mother passed about seven months ago. I'm still trying to figure things out."

Dean gave him a sympathetic smile, meeting his eyes with a look that made Castiel's stomach do a weird flip. "Sorry to hear that."

Castiel cleared his throat, "So my car..."

"Right. Your car. It's all fixed and ready to go."

"Oh thank you. How much do I owe you?"

Dean just smiled and handed the now sleeping Claire back to her father. "How about you give me your phone number and we call it even?"

"Deal."

From then on Dean became a crucial source of support for Castiel. It took another year or so before Castiel could leave Claire in Dean's sole care for longer than two hours, but after the first overnight babysitting adventure it became easier. Dean was great with babies, though he pretended not to be. Claire loved Dean, she lit up like the sun whenever she saw him.

Inevitably, Castiel married Dean. Claire was 4 by then, and she was so proud to present the rings to her daddies as they recited their vows.

Life was good. It wasn't perfect, but they were happy. Claire developed an interest in music like Dean, the two would spend hours listening to classic rock while she helped him in the garage.

Castiel sent a thankful prayer whenever he thought of it to whoever put Dean into his life. Dean didn't pray, he wasn't a believer, but he made sure Castiel knew every day how much he was loved and how grateful Dean was to have him and Claire in his life.

The years went by, some better than others. Castiel lost his job just before Claire started high school, and when he couldn't find another one in Lawrence he and Dean had a serious talk that resulted in Dean leaving the garage in the capable hands of his Uncle Bobby and the Winchester-Novak family moved to Lebanon. Dean found a job easily as a mechanic in a corporate garage, it wasn't as nice as working in his own garage with his dad and uncle, but it paid better and it came with benefits. Castiel found a job as an accountant, his new boss was a dick, (aptly named Dick Roman) but the hours were better than his old job.

Claire, however, had a very hard time changing schools. Leaving her friends was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. She couldn't help but resent her fathers for the move. She became defiant and withdrawn within a matter of weeks. Despite their best efforts Dean and Castiel were unable to help her adjust. Eventually, at the advice of her school's vice principal they opted to give her some space and let her work through it on her own. They made sure she knew they were there to support her, and purchased her a cell phone plan with unlimited long distance calling and enough data to Skype with her friends from Lawrence whenever she wanted. It was the only thing they could think of to help.

Neither Castiel nor Dean knew what to do when Claire began cutting classes. They tried talking to her, but she wouldn't listen. They tried going back to Lawrence for a weekend to "visit Uncle Bobby and Uncle Sam" in the hopes she would reconnect with her old friends and cheer up. The truth was, neither man knew how to connect with a teenage girl. Dean had even asked Sam to talk to her, and whatever he said must have had some impact because she was at least kinder to her dads after they returned to Lebanon. She still seemed to struggle at school though, and she didn't like to talk about it.

By Christmas of the first year, Claire was hardly recognizable. She'd adopted a more edgy look, wore more eyeliner than Dean was comfortable with. ("It'll send the wrong message to guys, Claire. Believe me, I know guys.") She bought clothes that revealed more skin than Castiel knew was possible. ("Aren't you cold? Why do you buy jeans that already have holes in them?") And she listened to music that made Dean cringe. ("Who is this boy and why is he falling?" "Wait, how many blinks?!")

(He bought her a Simple Plan CD for Christmas anyway.)

Then came January. Claire had seemed to be improving, she'd made a friend upon returning to school after the break. Castiel and Dean were thrilled to see her genuinely smile again. They invited her new friend for dinner, Alex was a nice girl. She explained that she'd just moved here after her grandmother passed and was now living with her Aunt Jodi. Things were going well, and Castiel was just beginning to relax when he got a phone call from the school.

"Mr. Novak? I'm calling regarding your daughter, Claire. Earlier today she was seen fighting with another student, things got pretty heated I guess and a teacher had to step in and break it up. Normally this isn't a cause to call a parent, teenagers fight, you know? But I'm calling you because Claire hasn't shown up to class all afternoon and one of our other students has reason to believe she may be a danger to herself or others… given Claire's history I'm inclined to agree. I just wanted to check and see if she was at home. Please call me back."

Castiel hung up his phone and checked the time. It was 3:22pm, the message had been left at 1:46pm. Castiel tried to calm his heart as he dialled Claire's number.

"Come on… pick up…. Pick up!"

"Hey, you've reached Claire. I'm either ignoring you or I don't have my phone with me. Leave a message if it's important."

"Claire, it's Dad… call me now."

He sent her a text as well with a similar message just in case.

Then he called Dean.

"Hey, what's up? Are you done work early again?"

"Is Claire with you?" Castiel tried and failed to keep the panic out of his voice.

"No, why? Cas? Is everything okay?"

"The school called me… they said she didn't show up to class this afternoon and that she got in a fight and they think she might be a danger to herself and I don't know what to do, Dean! She's not answering her phone!"

"Breathe, Cas. I'm sure she's fine… she's probably at home blasting that god awful music. I'm off at 4:00, I'll see if I can leave early and I'll go home and check, okay?"

Thank God for Dean being able to keep a level head when Castiel was losing his mind. He took a shaky breath and whispered, "Okay. Let me know. I-I'll call the school back… maybe she's turned up for her last class, she loves History."

"Good idea."

It was less than fifteen minutes later when Castiel's phone rang again. He didn't recognize the number on the screen.

"Hello?"

"Are you Castiel Novak?"

"Yes, who's asking?"

"Mr. Novak, this is Nurse Masters calling from Jewell County Hospital. Are you sitting down, Sir?"

Castiel felt his heart drop through the floor.

Half an hour later Castiel was pushing his way into the hospital. Dean was already there, but they were telling him he had to wait outside.

"She's my daughter, let me see her!"

"Sir, we're doing everything we can, but we need you to wait-"

"Cas! Thank god you're here, tell them I'm her dad too, they won't let me in."

Castiel nodded in affirmation, "This is my husband, Claire knows him as her father as well, please… Let us see her."

The nurse damn near rolled her eyes, and Dean looked like he was about to punch her out but Castiel grabbed his hand so he wouldn't.

"That's not why he can't see her, actually. We can't let either of you in until the doctor finishes up with her."

Castiel felt sick.

"I won't lie to you… It doesn't look good. She hit the semi head on, it's a miracle she's lived for this long. Her injuries are quite extensive… Even if she does pull through, I wouldn't hold your breath for a full recovery."

Castiel lost his balance. Dean caught him just before he hit the floor. "Water!" He barked at the nurse, before pulling Castiel in close. "It's gonna be okay. She's strong, she'll pull through." He only wished he could believe his own words.

It was another hour before they were allowed in, and the doctor warned them he'd done all he can but he didn't think she would make it.

She died at 5:37pm in Castiel's arms with Dean stroking her hair. She never regained consciousness, so the doctor assured them she didn't feel a thing.

They learned later that Claire had gone for a drive in her friend's car. She'd been driving around for a couple hours, presumably blasting her music and trying to clear her head when the semi swerved off course and she couldn't get out of the way in time. No one knew what caused the semi to swerve, and no one knew whether Claire had even tried to get out of the way.

Castiel now knew what the unimaginable felt like.

It felt like drowning, but he didn't want to get above the surface.

It felt like all the meaning had been sucked from his life, like he'd just been put through a trash compactor and was somehow still alive. Why was he still alive?

Dean did his best to be there for Castiel, but his own heart seemed to echo against a hollow chamber. There was nothing left where Claire should be. Every tiny reminder made him break inside all over again, but he had to remain strong for his Cas. Every stray hair, loose sock, bottle of nail polish… Each little thing that was uniquely 'Claire' could render them both utterly useless for hours.

They moved uptown after two weeks. The house felt too empty, her room was a painful reminder of her absence.

Sam had to come clean it out for them. When asked what to save, Dean said "Nothing." Castiel said "Everything."

Sam saved the things he knew they'd want, but the rest he donated to charity.

When they moved into the new house, Sam stayed with them to make sure they were okay. He only meant to stay a day or two, but after a week, he called his law firm to let them know he was taking an extended leave.

Once or twice, Castiel found Dean praying. That never used to happen before, but Castiel didn't make it into a big deal. Instead, he just prayed with Dean. They prayed she was happy now, wherever she was. They prayed for strength to continue, and they prayed that she didn't intend to die.

They spent hours going for walks in the park, taking in the sights and trying to find meaning in the silence. They missed her laughter, her smile, hell they even missed her attitude when she'd fight them at every turn.

They visited her grave every day with a fresh bouquet of flowers.

They spent a large chunk of their retirement savings on a gorgeous head stone. It was a simple design, a slab of marble with two angel wings etched on either side of her name, followed by a quote:

In Loving Memory  
Claire Novak  
2000-2015  
"There are moments that the words don't reach,  
There is suffering too terrible to name.  
The moments when you're in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down  
and push away the unimaginable."

We must learn to live with the unimaginable.


End file.
